Why can't my friend or loved one understand, accept or believe it when I tell him/her that I love or care about him/her?

"I tell Julie all the time that I care about her and I love her but she never accepts it and never believes me."

"I am always telling Jim how important he is to me and to our family, but he just doesn't listen."

These are a couple of quotes that I believe accurately represent the frustrations experienced by the friends and loved ones of those living with PTSD.  I have had several conversations around this topic with a friend of mine and I think it is still frustrating for her as well as for me.  I was talking with a person who has a friend living with PTSD.  What she shared with me during our conversation was very similar to the second quote above.  PTSD is initiated by some traumatic event in our lives and when that happens some level of darkness invades the inner being of that person.  It's not so much that we don't listen, or we don't understand, or we don't accept it, or we don't believe the person expressing their love and care for us, but the reality in our world is that the darkness is all-consuming inside of us.  So much so that we don't have any place inside of us to deposit that love and care that friends and loved ones are expressing to us.

A little bit of an odd visual picture for you to try to illustrate the differences between the two worlds of living with PTSD and living without PTSD. 

Jodie and Sally are two close friends.  They are both living without PTSD.  Jodie tells Sally that she has been a really important friend to her and how much she values the friendship they have had over the years.  Picture Sally's brain having a filing cabinet inside it.  She takes this expression of love and care from her friend, Jodie, and it has a special place in a file inserted inside this filing cabinet in her brain.  The filing cabinet has a vein running from it to Sally's heart.  These files inside the cabinet, full of love and care she has received, are pumping lifeblood to her heart and she is therefore allowed to fully absorb that her friends and loved ones care about and love her. 

Eric grew up in a home where he was constantly berated, yelled at and always punished for things he had not done.  He suffered severe verbal abuse and some physical abuse, but all this took place behind closed doors.  His family was upper middle class, religious and respected in the community.  Everyone who knew his parents would always tell him he was so lucky to have such loving and kind parents.  Obviously this scenario proved to be very confusing for Eric.  He has no concept of what it really means for someone to care about him or love him.  His filing cabinet has been laced with a poison that finds its way into all the files he inserts into it.  Instead of a lifeblood flowing out of the cabinet to his heart, it is instead a poison.

Andy is a war veteran who fought on the front lines and came literally face-to-face with the horrors of combat.  Holly was violently gang raped one night.  Marlee witnessed horrific criminal acts as a young child, things no child should ever have to see.  In all three of these cases, which resulted in severe forms of PTSD, their filing cabinets either disintegrated or exploded and no longer exist.  There is no place for them to deposit the files of love and care they receive from their friends and loved ones.

For all of these people living with PTSD, the all-consuming darkness has done something to destroy or overtake their filing cabinet and they are left with no way to fully absorb the love and care they receive from their friends and loved ones.  It's important to pay attention to the words here, we do receive the love and care that are expressed to us, but there is no place for us to store it.  With no place to put it, it eventually gets thrown away no matter how desperately we want to hang on to it. 

It is a very frustrating process for those living with PTSD to not have a way to accept the love and care they so desperately need and want to hang on to.  And we can see how frustrating it is for our friends and loved ones when they feel like we don't believe them or they think we just aren't listening.  This in turn adds extra frustration for us, often leaving us feeling as if things would be simpler for everyone if we just didn't exist.


I am wanting to believe that the destroyed or dysfunctional filing cabinets in our brains can somehow be restored and hoping that one day we will experience that lifeblood of being able to fully accept the love and care from our friends and loved ones.  This probably happens in small steps though.

If you have a question about what it is like to live with PTSD, please use the link at the top of the page to submit your question to be answered in a future blog.

What is PTSD?

I am guessing if you found your way to this blog or if someone told you about this blog, it is because you have a friend or loved one who is living with PTSD.  So, you most likely already know what PTSD is.  I am not seeking to explain what PTSD is in this blog.  This blog is intended to help friends and loved ones get a better understanding of what life is like for the person living with PTSD.  If you are wanting or needing to find out more information about what PTSD is, you will find a plethora of information upon doing an internet search for PTSD.

That being said, I do want to give a brief definition and talk a little about the effect it has on a person’s life.
PTSD is a normal reaction to an abnormal event.  Unfortunately for the person living with PTSD, their normal reaction will often look abnormal to the rest of the world.  This disparity in perspectives increases the lack of understanding between those living with PTSD and those living without PTSD.  This in turn makes the world of the person living with PTSD smaller, scarier and lonelier.

Here’s an example to maybe help put it in perspective.  When a baby (who is wanted and expected) is born, there is always great joy.  Almost everyone around the world has experienced this in some way and the normal reaction to a new baby is happiness and joy and excitement.  We all know how the normal reaction and how to express our joy, whether it be hugs, kisses, congratulations, flowers, balloons, stuffed animals, or even those cheesy little fake cigars.  No one will question you about why you reacted with happiness and joy or why you bought gifts for the baby or why you congratulated the new parents.

When someone experiences a traumatic, abnormal event, it is the normal reaction for that person to experience some range of the symptoms associated with PTSD.  In this case though, everyone questions the person.  Why are you scared?  Why are you depressed?  Why do you have panic attacks?  Why don’t you want to be around people?  Why don’t you want to do the things we used to do? And on and on…  All this questioning can definitely make a person feel like they are not reacting normally.  I’m sure that most times, the questions are asked with good intent by someone who cares and just wants to understand better but the questioning is usually counterproductive, regardless of the motive.  Usually the person with PTSD does not understand what the answers are to these questions either or  they may not know how to express their answers in a way that makes sense.

So, in both cases there is a normal reaction.  In the first case, the world understands and expects the normal reaction.  In the second case though, the world does not understand the normal reaction and often expects something quite different.  This disparity usually only serves to alienate and isolate the person living with PTSD, making them feel like they are alone in this world even when they are surrounded by people.

If you have a question about what it is like to live with PTSD, please use the link at the top of the page to submit your question to be answered in a future blog.

How will reading a blog from a stranger help me communicate with my loved one or friend?

People living with PTSD have a hard time communicating with others about issues related to their PTSD.  I am hoping that sharing my experience and thoughts on living with PTSD will help friends and loved ones be able to approach conversations with a better understanding of what it is like to live with PTSD.  This has the potential to put the person living with PTSD more at ease or give them better tools to communicate about what living in their world is like.

I often think in some kind of visual analogy so you will see a lot of those in this blog.

Think of trying to start a fire without a match or flint.  If you have ever watched the beginning episodes of a season of Survivor, you know this is very difficult, tiring and frustrating.  Often this is what it is like for a person with PTSD to talk about issue related to their PTSD.  The words won’t come out or they don’t have the right words to communicate what they are trying to say accurately.  This is very frustrating for the person living with PTSD. Often this also frustrates you because you do not understand why this person you love or care about has such a hard time just explaining their feelings or experiences to you.  This in turn adds double frustration to the person with PTSD because they are now also frustrated because you are frustrated.  Everyone is experiencing normal emotions but unfortunately these emotions may lead to a breakdown in communication with one side or the other giving up in frustration.

When you read something in this blog and then say to your friend or loved one, “Hey, I read this about PTSD. Is this the way you are feeling?” or “Is this what it is like for you?”  It may not seem like much but it could be the equivalent of handing a match or flint to someone who is trying to start a fire.  It may spark a conversation, resulting in some real and honest communication.

It may help open a door that has been locked shut or it may penetrate a hole in a wall that has existed for years.  It may not look like much to you but this is a huge move forward for the person with PTSD.

Listen well to your friend or loved one.  Let them explain and then repeat back what you heard to give them a chance to verify that things were communicated accurately or give them a chance to try to explain again in a different way.  This is a very important step in good communication.  It is vital to closing that gap of lack of understanding between a person with PTSD and a person without PTSD.

If you have a question about what it is like to live with PTSD, please use the link at the top of the page to submit your question to be answered in a future blog.